Recovery is about setting boundaries and freeing one’s self of the suffering caused by acting out. submitted by Hmack1 to loveafterporn [link] [comments] Sex and sexuality are intrinsic facets of healthy human life and development. The goal of recovery from sexual addiction for most people is not to give up sex or the expression of one’s sexuality in its entirety. Rather, the purpose of recovery is to live a fulfilled life embracing a healthier model of sexual expression. Like eating disorders, shopping addiction, and gambling, sex addiction is a process addiction. Process addictions are generally described as behaviors that are habitual and provide the person with an emotional high. The problematic behavior is often repeated to gain an increased high. A negative feedback loop forms wherein the individual cannot stop the behavior despite negative consequences. The origins of these addictions are rooted in trauma. Most people do not wake up one day and say, “Hey I think I’d like to become a sex addict.” Wounds leave their mark. The pain endured over time often becomes unbearable and prompts a form of escapism we see as addiction. Shame often keeps people from seeking the help so desperately needed to develop healthier lifestyles in their journey for sexual recovery. Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) Green Book reminds recovery seekers: Sexual addiction is not just a bad habit. Nor is it the result of poor self-control, a lack of morals, or a series of mistakes. If it were something the addict could stop on their own, the negative consequences would be enough to make them stop. Many have tried to cure themselves with religious or spiritual practice, moral discipline, or self-improvement. Despite the sincerity and their best efforts, they continued to act out. Their behavior eluded all rational attempts at explanation or correction. They had to face the fact that That had a disease, and that they could not stop the addictive behavior by themselves. This is one addicts story of recovery and their use of the 3 circles: My name is Michael and I am a recovering sex addict, anorexic, and alcoholic. What follows comes from my lived experience as a person in recovery and as a clinician trained in trauma, addiction, and mental health. I work the twelve steps and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). I will forever be indebted Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) and to 12-step recovery programs for the gift of living free from the bondage of addictions. The spiritual principles, tools, and suggestions contained within 12-step recovery helped me to find a life that was worth living. I learned that I deserved to be recovered, loved, and that I have worth. Recovery and trauma work helped me to thrive and accept who I am, was, and can be. In an earlier piece I wrote about the Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and sex, and that our lives became unmanageable.” The process to admit that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable took what felt like a lifetime to achieve. I bought the SAA Green Book and read through the entire text cover to cover in search for the answer of how to remain in sexual recovery. The first task of this sexual recovery journey started 90 days of abstinence from all sexual behaviors. Let me tell you that it the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life. I experienced withdrawal symptoms which included body shakes, anxiety, depression, angst, despair, craving, hypersensitivity, suicidal thoughts, and intense dreams. That list does not do justice to my lived experience during that time. It was a miserable experience, and yet a necessary one for recovery in my eyes. When I joined SAA, I continued to hear a concept called “3 Circles.” It was all everyone talked about in meetings and in literature. In the Fellowship these three circles are how each member defines what is addictive and healthy sexual behavior for themselves. The program is quick to recognize the personal nature of addiction to sex. Not every human being acts out in the same way. For some their addiction is pornography. And for others it may be masturbation, destructive relationships, power and control, romantic obsession, cruising the streets for sexual partners, cybersex, prostitution, cross-dressing, having affairs, and fantasy. The list is endless. Understanding what is addictive and is healthy requires distance and reflection. That 90-day embargo on sex and thinking or acting on sexual thoughts/desires were critical. The help of incredible trauma-informed sponsorship and therapy also played a major role in my recovery. I recall early in recovery listening to others share first step presentations about their powerlessness and unmanageability. I got into recovery in a Pre-COVID19 world with no local SAA meetings. My only options were telephone meetings all over the country. Living with an addiction in isolation often drove me to act out. The beauty of phone and video meetings with others was that I could stay connected. I leaned early on in my process that recovery thrives in connectedness. I made several phone meetings part of my routine schedule. I volunteered on calls to read literature. During meetings I spoke up about my struggles and desires for a life built on a firm bedrock of recovery. It did not matter the time of day or hour of night. I made meetings a priority in my life. I stayed for fellowship hour at the end of each call. I exchanged numbers with other recovering sex addicts, and made phone calls during the week to talk about life, recovery, successes, and struggles. I already received the gift of desperation. I needed something to give me hope in my life. As I called into these meetings, I heard men and women who shared their experience of what it was like, consequences of their acting out, and steps to stay in recovery. I sat and reflected on my own life after each presentation. I saw patterns of what behaviors I could not control. My first SAA sponsor, Adam, was a man who attended these phone meetings. We exchanged contact information and started to work the steps. I owe him a debt of gratitude for helping me to define what sexual recovery would look like for me. We have never met face to face. We conduct step work via email and phone calls. Sponsorship and meetings are my lifelines for connectedness. These are some of the tools in my recovery toolkit: The Three Circles (diagrammed below) consist of three concentric circles. Each level represents a layer of addiction and recovery. Inner Circle behaviors are ones that cannot be safely practiced and/or controlled (seeking out emotionally unavailable people, pornography, drug use, alcohol use, disordered eating, etc.). Middle circle behaviors are actions, desires or behaviors that may lead to a slip or are risky (using sex to avoid emotions, lying, hiding, justification, etc.). Outer circle behaviors promote recovery (healthy sex based on choice, mutuality, and respect; meetings, sponsor, therapy, family time, staying connected, hobbies, step work, spiritual community time, dating, writing, dancing, creating music, etc.). The process was a spiritual awakening. For the first time I could see my addiction; it had a name. It was real. It had a list of behaviors and symptoms. Defining healthy sexuality shifted my understanding. The best advice I received from my sponsor was live in the outer circle. What a jewel that insight was. The way I interacted with people and my surroundings changed. I noticed a shift in mind, body, and spirit. I felt alive again. As a professional and a person in recovery it was important to define my boundaries especially around addiction. I carried intense shame for my addictions. I often felt that I lived a double life. My recovery work centered around integration of all the parts and pieces of myself. I never could be who I was. All the parts of me were cut off. Sexuality was one piece. Intellectual me was another. Emotional side was another. Creativity was lost in the abyss. I felt if I came out about my addictions or my parts of self, I would be shunned from the profession. My recovery integrated into every domain of my life. I turned a new leaf thanks to the program, recovery support systems, and others who have opened the door that I may walked through. I am who I am. I will not change this inner-knowing for any person or institution. The process of recovery has instilled within me radical acceptance for who I am. I am not alone. Acceptance, I discovered, was key to healing. Once I made a thorough first step and opened the flood gates of the past, I quickly realized the need for trauma work. I could not stay in recovery from sex addiction without resolving the past that impeded on my present life. Spiritual awakening lead me to start EMDR. I went to see Tom Buckles, LMHC, a former professor and licensed mental health clinician, who offered EMDR treatment. I quickly learned about my dissociative mind and how my parts of self directly influenced my acting out behaviors. Each of my eleven parts represented a wounded piece of my life. These parts were cut off facets of my life. I recall asking each of the parts to work together to help me heal. I believe because of this dissociative trauma work I was able to heal. At each session we completed between 4-5 trauma memories. I continued to see gains in EMDR. I started running, and I never thought I would be the running type. I restarted playing instruments, painting. My relationships with others took on a deeper meaning. I was free! I could remain present. I have learned that my circles may change over time. In order to move something out of my inner or middle circle it requires an honest and willing conversation with my sponsor, recovery community and close friends whom I trust. My spirituality also plays a key role in helping to keep me on the road. Throughout this journey I have relied on faith to guide me. I turned over everything to the Higher Power of my understanding. I went back to the Roman Catholic Church, made confession, took spiritual direction, restarted mindfulness and yogic Practices, practiced spiritual principles in all my affairs. I remained open to what the universe, other people both inside and outside the fellowship, and my higher power were teaching me. I was an eager student. The 3 Circles tool evolves with the person. Recovery is not stagnant. As I grew in healthiness and worked on the traumatic events that feed my addictions, sexuality took on a richer meaning for me. Today I am open to the potential in any situation. SAA and EMDR gave me the gift to live in the moment. Both 12-step programming and EMDR allowed me to face what seemed previously impossible. Today I can live a life that I never dreamed was possible. I realize today that sexuality is creativity and a vital life force. I channel that energy for good. https://preview.redd.it/o8dcot7r2sa61.png?width=468&format=png&auto=webp&s=7c4f33ed2c2ab50ea3cfe5c4a445c0592ae01b6f |
Hi everyone! With it being Trans Awareness Week I feel it's a great time to share a life update! I came out pretty abruptly this summer and things got exceptionally cranked up in August when my parents reacted exactly as I expected. It really lit a fire under me. I couldn't file for a legal name change fast enough and I feel I have absolutely stripped off the shackles that kept me as a fraction of myself for my entire life. I have since been working incredibly hard at advocating for trans rights in quite a few situations and so far I am pretty proud about myself. I've found most of my time over the past few months on Twitter. I don't have Facebook or Instagram accounts for example and I ended up in the middle of a ... rather serious project. submitted by TaylorLakhryst to Winnipeg [link] [comments] Ultimately, I've got three goals I'd like to accomplish as part of my journey. My first goal is based on my belief that we are long overdue for visible trans inclusivity in sports, and by that I mean have dialogue present regarding rules, policies, divisions, insurance and so on explaining that divisions are based on gender identity & expression, not biological sex. That said, I am aware of the fluidity of that statement and understand there are times where in the interest of competitiveness or player safety physiological factors need to be considered, especially at elite-level play or in sports where weight classes matter. Overall though, there is no reason otherwise why trans athletes should be prevented from or discriminated against competing in a division that is in line with their preferred gender identity and/or expression. I've got a thread that I'm using to keep some awareness up particularly relating to Sport Manitoba (while it also was a retweet throwing a bit of shade to a local radio station hiring a known transphobic radio host who has been endorsed by a member of our queer community and insists they will continue to be one of the strongest media allies to the LGBTQ community in Winnipeg. *sorrywhat.gif* I'll get back to the radio station in a bit. That thread also dropped a note to Slo-Pitch National regarding their rules and of where trans athletes are to fall in with their verbiage. I'm happy to report that unlike the bureaucratic approach I feel I received from Sport Manitoba, Slo-Pitch National was almost immediately engaged after a few tweet attempts went their way. I had an absolutely wonderful conversation with Trish and I strongly believe we will be having more follow-up conversations about how to implement things effectively, assertively, competitively and in a way that prevents abuse. If I can help encourage programs to start having more visible acknowledgement of trans athletes and having inclusive dialogue and programming in their systems, that will do nothing but benefit one of the core obstacles about trans people in general: awareness. That verbiage can introduce conversations earlier, end controversies sooner, offer courage and support to trans people from children to adults that they have a welcoming place to belong, provide an improved fundamental understanding that people are different and to open minds and hearts about it, and even to improve demographics so that better social, medical, educational, and mentalhealth services can become available. My second goal, as a matter of fact, is to at least be put in consideration for the Order of Manitoba. I never thought about it before but I remember coming across it at some point and thought, "Screw this. I'm earning it." The Order of Manitoba was established to recognize individuals who have demonstrated excellence and achievement in any field of endeavour benefiting in an outstanding manner the social, cultural or economic well-being of Manitoba and its residents. I feel that if I continue to work as hard as I can to break barriers, raise awareness and continue to denounce injustice against not only transgender Manitobans but transgender people as a whole, the least I could hope for is to be thought of when it's time to think of who helps make Manitoba be a better place. Personally, I've suffered a walled-up life for pretty much 39 years and if I can do my part to ensure that no person has to feel like they need to be anyone but their authentic and best selves, I will pull out every stop that I am able to because unless you're trans, you simply don't get what it's like. A rather surreal experience that reminded me that I'm on course to my goal lately was having conversation with the national director of the Run for Women! It started after I pinned a note on my Twitter profile which eventually led to an amazing response and a subsequent Zoom session with Ted and Stephanie. Hearing the interest, recognition, and commitment to make the Run for Women a more welcoming and inclusive event for all women was exciting, and being asked to be kept in touch with during the progress has felt immensely meaningful. I feel I have really taken advocacy for trans rights seriously ever since I came out and that leads to my third goal that I currently have. I feel I am on a path of creating a legacy and I can only hope that one day people will hear my name and immediately recognize my effort to raise awareness and help normalize the belonging of trans people in a predominantly cisnormative world. Sometimes it feels petty but I would absolutely love to get verified by Twitter at some point because of that. As much as blue isn't my favourite colour, I feel it would look great beside my name. I feel it's a great way to suggest that I know what I'm doing and I'm not taking any of this lightly at all. When I came out as abruptly as I did, it was with the full intention to raise awareness and educate, especially using the element of shock to prompt reflections into the minds of others. I came out right after George Floyd was murdered because our planet was reeling on yet another example that if you're not White and Right, you're fighting for a place to coexist. Minority groups all over the planet, and obviously the Black community at large, were screaming for reforms to improve diversity, equity and Inclusion. To eliminate racism. To eliminate discrimination. I felt there was no better time to capture that momentum. After I came out, I lost track of the amount of times someone would say that they had no idea, and rightfully so. I began to come out socially on my 39th birthday so for all intents and purposes the only person most people ever knew or recognized was a white, athletic, 39-year-old Canadian male. I was as close to the top of the food chain that someone could really get. I bled privilege that I didn't even want because it was nothing but imbued irony because it would almost all be erased if I allowed myself to be vulnerable and authentic. Becoming vulnerable and authentic is exactly what I chose to do. I didn't do that necessarily because I wanted to, and it certainly wasn't because I was ready to, but I had no choice except that I HAD to. As a person, I am far too strong, far too vocal, far too educated and far too articulated to stay quiet any longer. I know I've got the skillset and resilience to help make the world a better place and if anything I feel guilty for not allowing myself to start working on it years earlier. Even as I write about this life update, I think about a blog post that was written about me and to this day am so humbled about it. More than ever have I felt like I'm making a difference instead of being a burden and it inspires me to keep pushing forward. I've alluded to it a couple times already and one of the biggest missions I have been on lately is advocating on the absolute faux pas of a local radio station hiring someone who has said dehumanizing things about transgender people, has not shown public atonement for it, and then being protected by the radio station while they affirm to be LGBTQ+ allies. One of the biggest reasons I am invested in this is because of the message that is being sent to minority communities across the board: If you are privileged, you are protected. The message that forgiveness is to be expected of the victims instead of earned by the offenders really sums up segregation, discrimination and overall mental unwellness in a nutshell. Personally, I felt my drive for this situation to really light up after Energy 106 FM posted their "Official Statement," which for the record was Friday, August 28, at 9:00 PM. Only until recently in a meeting I had with Adam West, their Program Director, that they had intention of posting that late largely due to Facebook algorithms. All I really had to reply on that was considering the amount of controversy regarding the release of the message, they could have at least addressed the concern with an explanation instead of perpetually ignoring the call-outs. Another interesting take in that same meeting was that they were waiting for that memo to be vetted by one transgender person, which I learned after asking who the "numerous meaningful and significant conversations" involved because I can't imagine a single resource centre in Winnipeg that would have given this hire a green light. Regardless, I had no problem expressing my thoughts about the situation and since made a decision to keep my eye on it. One of the reasons why I struggled to feel comfortable coming out was because I wasn't ready to be as loud as I knew I was capable of being. For at least half my life I've felt that people like me needed a warrior to be there for them. I wanted to be that warrior but I simply did not feel like I was capable of the fight. As much as I knew I already was being suffocated, I needed to know I could be there for others. It took me a long time but when I finally found it in me I have never been more proud to be myself and to fight for my community. Allyship isn't a part-time job. It is like being that warrior I mentioned. It doesn't necessarily mean you're looking for a fight, but you must be ready to go to battle when the time comes. I wasn't ready to fight for myself before. Today, I fight for change. Twitter certainly was a hotbed after Energy decided to release their "Official Statement" affirming their belief that their hire was the right decision. There were links and stories and updates and advocates and affirmations from all angles, even on the other side of the ocean. After realizing how many stories and concerns there were, I decided to make my path of advocacy easier to follow, literally, and I did that by creating a thread on Twitter that sourced everything to follow in one place. One of the biggest obstacles with advocacy is it often means you're fighting from a weaker position, as in, it's not uncommon for change to be made because of necessity instead of morality. When it comes to advocating against corporate boondoggling often change would only ultimately be recognized after corporate partners disagree with the decision and decide to withdraw, and that's where the adventure really began. It was fantastic and encouraging to see many corporate allies of the LGBTQ+ community to stand in Solidarity with us and denounce the decision made by Energy 106 FM, or more specifically, the Evanov Radio Group. During the unrest it was uncovered that Dave Wheeler was hired with approval of Paul Evanov himself, which he shared during one of his podcast episodes of Wheeler After Dark. I still have conflicted feelings about that. How does Paul Evanov, who's father Bill developed the world's first 100% LGBT front-to-back radio station, who passed away on February 28, 2020, personally approve this hire, affirm support by a PR firm (of which I have solid hunches about but am still piecing it together), and be OK with this? Why does Wheeler say in that soundbite that "they're ready" now? I can't imagine what the delay would have been, unless we think of crazy supervillain vibes where Paul was waiting for all the legal stuff about Bill to be finished. Dave was unemployed for two years. Was Adam asking Paul to ask Bill to give Dave a job for two years, and now that Daddy's out of the picture Paul can finally be the one to say yes? How does any leadership in an organization that has a globally-accessible LGBT-focused radio station that is one of their jewels completely overlook the responsibility of public atonement at a value greater than public shaming, or more accurately disregard its importance? It's completely baffling but truly represents again what life is like with privilege. I completely understand that Wheeler's termination from his last station wasn't without controversy, but what feels like something completely overlooked is that his language was spoken with fluidity. He utilized an opportunity to share unfiltered thoughts AND get paid for it. That's privilege. The idea of being able to speak your beliefs for personal gain with no disregard for hurt or harm: that's privilege. To get the opportunity to have a public voice again, especially now targeted TOWARDS the demographic who have been harmed by the hateful and dehumanizing speech without any sign of public grief or atonement: that's privilege. To expect forgiveness and acceptance instead of earning forgiveness and trust: that's privilege. That's why I advocate. The message that your privilege will protect you and anyone lesser has to fight for equality continues to be too strong, too frequent, and too deadly. What had me so confused, if not frustrated at the situation, was how the hire didn't raise concerns of transphobia but other forms of discrimination such as racism and sexism as well. One of the most ... eye opening ... experiences was Adam's response to me in one of our meetings where he didn't believe "Black Olives Matter" (Starting at ~16:44) was racism. Adam's argument to me was that Dave is a comedian and as such this should be considered a parody. I am not a person of colour by any stretch to know what racism feels like directly, but for him to flatly reject the message that has been spoken LOUDLY by our BIPOC community showed, again, privilege and another reason why I have to keep fighting. What's baffling is that podcast episode with the "parody" was uploaded on August 14, 2020 ... only TWO WEEKS prior to Energy's release of their "Official Statement" defending their hire. Further examples of racism were brought up by other members of our community, such as a podcast episode validating Blackface (starting at ~35:20, released on May 27, 2020, two days after George Floyd was murdered, and with no hesitation to shame the "woke" generation), an anti-Indigenous parody of the Wet'suwet'en protests on February 21, 2020 (plus referencing to the protest as looking like an anus), and validating police brutality to the death of Eishia Hudson (the 16-year-old Indigenous teen who was shot dead on April 16, 2020). He's stated and has been defended that he "has done a lot of work" since getting fired, but I'm struggling to see where it has even started. I am at an absolute loss when it comes to seeing how this history is even close to being welcome at a self-professed LGBTQ+-friendly station, especially considering they fired a woman who was an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community to make space for him and another woman. His personal Wheeler After Dark! podcast explicitly describes the episodes as "not intended for those that are easily offended by adult themes, spicy language, satire, dark humour, etc, etc, etc... If you're a kid... You likely shouldn't be listening to this, but you should tell your parents to, they'd find it hilarious!" Being an ally doesn't have on-and-off "modes." You can't be a representative of allyship when you're under someone else's watch and especially while under someone else's salary. Allyship is an authentic effort from the heart. It isn't always flawless and it isn't always life-possessing but the motivation has to come from within yourself and it absolutely must represent your honest values. It absolutely stuns me about how Energy 106 FM, and more specifically the Evanov Radio Group, is completely dense to the insensitivity caused by their hire and exceptionally so by standing behind it. The responsibility of being an ally is not to be taken lightly, otherwise the actions will be exposed and shown to be performative activism for personal gain. As such, I continued (and continue) to advocate. Our minority communities have been run over far too frequently to stand aside to reckless privilege. A few weeks after it was clear that Energy was firm in their decision, I decided it was time to get even more involved. I was right on the cusp of socially-transitioning to full-time and used that moment as a chapter in my life to show I'm taking advocating for what's right seriously and have been on it since. One of my most important processes was identifying business affiliates with the radio group. While it started with raising awareness to direct advertisers and implore them to assess their values, see if they are in line with the decisions at Energy, and withdraw their advertising if they don't support it. Many advertisers pulled which was wonderful to see as support, but I personally had a fire ignited after I came across a video from Wheeler in the Morning parodying transgender people. The video has since been set to private and in a meeting I had with Tyler he explained the video was set to private after I called it out because of the aforementioned legal dispute. Regardless, I advised that setting it to private doesn't address the video existing. The message of setting it to private is "Oh, this is worth keeping, you're not supposed to see it though." I advised him to have someone on Energy's Twitter account acknowledge my post with that exact remark about legal, to do something that represents anything close to allyship instead of continuing to be deflective and secretive. Regardless, when I saw that video for the first time, the comments had a description that lit me up more than ever. "Superheroes... Every last one of 'em." A superhero possesses abilities beyond those of ordinary people, who typically uses their powers to help the world become a better place, or is dedicated to protecting the public, and stopping evil. I'm transgender & I am god damned proud of it. I did NOT abruptly become socially & publicly visible to my workplace, sports leagues & peers immediately after the Floyd murder to have Energy's clown car run over MY goal of raising awareness about diversity, inclusion and equality. Between my parents responding exactly as I expected (who I still have not heard from them to this day, and we're going on about 3m1w at the time of this post), plus Energy and Evanov clearly embracing their decision, my fire has been lit more than ever. This world has never seen as strong as a version of me, and I have barely even teased my potential. I decided that Energy is not enough. If Paul Evanov decided to sign off on it, Tyler picks up an additional role in the Evanov Radio Group with a segment on the aforementioned radio station PROUD FM, and zero suggestion they are reconsidering their decisions, I decided the right way to gain awareness was to expand deeper into the radio group. I decided that it was time to address not only advertisers but any visible business associate with Energy 106 FM, Hot 100.5 FM, CKJS 810 AM, and PROUD FM. Ever since I started to advocate on this project, I was close to certain that Energy 106 muted me. If they blocked me I would have seen it, but if they muted me I would have had no idea. However, I realized eventually that Energy did in fact have the ability to see my mentions and replies the whole time. I blocked out what Matt mentioned as sensitivity to his message but it seems he chose to engage it further. He chose to react on a post on Energy's account regarding a pizza promotion, and a picture he used on the post was one of him and his child. It was Energy's account and I had a question to their promotion sponsor, but what ultimately transpired was Matt's wife deciding to ... well, here. That's not to say that Energy or any accomplices hasn't been aware of my advocacy otherwise. From Day 1 (or as close to it that I can imagine), AJ blocked me for whatever reason but had no problem following a conversation I had involving a business partner to PROUD FM and throwing likes to the counterpoints of mine. Of course, sometimes the main account will make accidents too but I had no problem capturing it. Why would they continue to be silent when they insist to be "allies?" I am DONE with this world running on hate & dollars instead of heartbeats & common sense. I did NOT abruptly put MY health, MY safety & MY neck on the line inspire change to have Paul Evanov, the Evanov Radio Group, Adam West and Energy 106 FM suggest that being queer isn't profitable enough & try to prove it during a GLOBAL SOCIAL CRISIS. I feel I have shown with more than enough character and conviction that I know what I'm doing, I know what I'm talking about, and I'm fighting so that we don't need to keep fighting in the future. I advocate strongly for mental health awareness and do my best to engage as much as possible with patience and objective reasoning. I have had people ask if it's OK to come out to me in private messages because they felt there was a safe space. I have had businesses reach out to me about various topics up to and including what could be an appropriate course of action with some of their decisions so that they continue to represent themselves as strong corporate allies. I have lost track of the amount of praise, gratitude and encouragement from so many people in our community. I have had mindful conversations with people immensely frustrated with racism and white supremacy. I have had compassionate conversations with people who want to be allies and are unsure what to do. I have had educational conversations with people about what a trans experience may be like, and I have had many wonderful conversations with trans people of a variety of backgrounds and experiences and shared stories about our journeys. I have had conversations with people who have felt inspired from me, I have had conversations with people who were feeling unwell, and I have had conversations to the point of committing time and awareness with people who were feeling suicidal so that we could get through the moment and work on recovery strategies. That's not to say that it hasn't been without it's challenges, but has led to some awareness as well! After about a month of constant backlash since sticking to their hire, Energy posted a podcast episode Tyler did with a local podcast group, Winnipeg's Finest, which would to me suggest that Energy shares the perspective and sentiments he shared. I felt it was a good opportunity to express frustration about not being given the opportunity to discuss these changes after being force-told to forgive a transphobic, sexist, racist bigot. The podcast inspired me to respond with a video of my own, as a matter of fact. After listening to the podcast a couple of times I decided to record a YouTube video of my own, completely unfiltered and unedited, pausing at every talking point that contradicted an experience, questioning bias, and so on. The video took me hours! 5 hours, actually! It was my very first time on YouTube too! I felt I had no time to waste and took a huge gamble on how it came out but I feel really proud of myself for what I did! I made sure to include chapter markers of every talking point as well and ... gosh, there are lots. Like I said, it hasn't been without its challenges, that's for sure. Cranking up the advocacy absolutely raised the eyebrows of many for both good and, let's call it "uneducated", reasons. I'm very grateful to be part of a community who helps support each other especially when there is a serious social concern in the works. I feel especially grateful to be a recognizable and trusted person during this entire adventure and I truly would never wish to have taken a different path. Even though I believe that Adam and Tyler only agreed to speak with me out of obligation to a CBSC "Complaint re ENERGY 106 CHWE-FM Broadcast" (even though it was never addressed as a reason but the timing to start talking and the dis-interest of engaging in Zoom conversations when COVID19 restrictions ramped up feel incredibly coincidental), I did do my best to be a helpful liaison between the radio station and our LGBTQ+ community. I continued to be engaged and offered awareness, consultation, advice and concerns via email. I started and maintained a thread about what allyship looks like to people and what it would take for them to see Energy 106 FM as an ally again. For that project alone, I went as far back into relevant time as I could and tried to connect with nearly every user I could find that reacted to Energy 106 FM hiring Dave Wheeler. Loose math from my notes suggests I have tried to connect with about 1600 people. I have personally DM'd about 750 people and every last piece of feedback has been included in the thread. In my last meeting that I had at Energy, Megan told me that she has been following the entire thread so I at least had an affirmation that the effort has been acknowledged. Unfortunately, that's also about where it ended. While the start of my emails and correspondence was pleasant and positive communication, it didn't take too long to redirect the focus to some rather important pieces of discussion. It's very clear that since hiring Dave and promoting Wheeler In The Morning as their new morning show, they have enabled a safe space for an extremely far-right culture including white supremacy, transphobia, racism, and a general disrespect for human decency. There has been stalking, doxxing, libel, cyberbullying and an absolute maelstrom of right-wing chaos and panic. What has been incredibly baffling is how Adam and Energy were literally offered an example of a script to use to stay engaged, not overpromise their direction while denouncing all the values that authentic allies fight against, they decided to ignore all that and ask for everyone to "be kind." If that doesn't have "stand back and standby" written all over it, I don't know what does. So, this is the part where I ask for feedback! I have a few considerations in my mind so far but am curious about where the next part of my journey should go. I know I'm going to continue to raise awareness of the situation to any visible business affiliates, and likely I will up the ante now to all Evanov Radio Group stations from coast to coast. As a matter of fact, I will be including affiliates to the Winnipeg Goldeyes as well because they censored me when I asked them about their values compared to their affiliation with Energy 106 FM. As a trans athlete, the simple concept of our local AAbaseballteam promoting Diversity Day in the past but censoring me about their values towards diversity, inclusion and equity disgusted me and prompted me to immediately throw my jersey in the garbage. I will never wear a Goldeyes jersey again, especially so long as they don't respond to my questions. See, I know what I'm doing is powerful, successful and fearful. Why else would the Wheeler-in-the-Morning-fanclub cry to Twitter to suspend my account? That is arguably one of the most flattering things to come my way, to know that I am the haunting reason for people who are so insecure with themselves they have become possessed and obsessed with my existence, and know they are utterly desperate to silence me during my advocacy about trans rights and fundamentally basic humanrights means WHAT I AM DOING IS WORKING AND I WILL NOT QUIT. I must express reservations about Twitter's judgement, however. Oh well. I will earn the blue star, I will be verified, and I WILL bring our trans community to a safer, healthier place. This cycles back to seeing what feedback is available. I firmly believe these accounts are affiliated to Energy 106 FM or the Evanov Radio Group as a whole. The biggest reason why it comes to mind are based on three things: 1) One of the main antagonists has an account that opened in September 2020, shortly after Dave Wheeler deleted his own account, and targeted a tweet I commented on. 2) After my last meeting at Energy, Adam affirmed to me that "he'll take care of them" when I told him that the little band waving Energy's flag is doing nothing but making his brand look worse, because they are absolutely not doing anything to me. I noticed a near-immediate decline in activity from the fun-club for a small period of time and struggle to believe that wasn't as per Adam's memo. Add the fact that Tyler affirmed to me that he would publicly denounce their behaviour and that has not happened either. So, Energy, Adam, and Tyler have all the means to blatantly denounce white supremacy, harassment, racism, transphobia, doxxing, stalking, libel, defamation, and so on ... yet completely refuse to. What other option can it be? 3) This is a little too coincidental, and if it was done "in satire because Dave is a comedian" (as per Adam) then it shows they are aware of the situation and continue to refuse to address it. I find it interesting that these accounts have a massive obsession about broadcasting far-right political beliefs and stalking me. Feel free to see for yourself about the obsession since the end of September for all these folks: BigFonker21%20(to%3ATaylorLakhryst)%20since%3A2020-09-25&src=typed_query&f=live), Brittany Anne%20(to%3ATaylorLakhryst)%20since%3A2020-09-25&src=typed_query&f=live), Nicholas1226%20(to%3ATaylorLakhryst)%20since%3A2020-09-25&src=typed_query&f=live), a%20(to%3ATaylorLakhryst)%20since%3A2020-09-25&src=typed_query&f=live), Hanz Rules!%20(to%3ATaylorLakhryst)%20since%3A2020-09-25&src=typed_query&f=live) and an obsessive amount of boosting from Boo. I'm sure there are more but if I really wanted to look for Cancer I'd rather go stargazing. And frankly, these are simply about things I see directly. I have been told my more than enough peers that this crowd stalks them as well, but peculiarly block those peers if this fun-club doesn't get the reaction they want. What's especially curious about the situation is that while these users are beyond obsessed with me an have lept over so many lines, I still have no reason to believe that it's not within the Evanov Radio Group and of all things they even have my home address which I needed to include when I wrote my concern to CBSC, so at what point am I to not feel as if Adam or Dave would not use it out of vengeance against me by the time I am done advocating against Evanov Radio Group and their perpetual injustices? People may ask why I shared my address, and the answer is to continue to be open, transparent, and show validity that Energy is a local radio station that is poisoning my local community. People ask why don't I block the aforementioned users, and the answer is because they are not hurting me. Everything that they are doing does nothing but make Energy look worse, make Evanov look like an even more pathetic radio group, and every last itch and twitch they do to try to upset me does nothing but empower me, inspire me, and give me more to work with. Our community has far too many people suffering from discrimination, harassment, sexual harassment, bullying, cyberbullying, transphobia, racism, stalking and so much more. I have the means and the mental health strength to absorb all of their hatred and ignorance and show it to people who are in positions to make change that it is happening, it is dangerous and it is deadly. I can not and will not be broken, and that is why I allow these users to continue to try to break me, because all they are doing is making this fire inside of me brighter, stronger, more fierce and ultimately more beautiful. I will not quit. So, as I've mentioned, I would love to hear your feedback about what you think appropriate courses of action would be! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! Happy Trans Awareness Week! https://preview.redd.it/g508k4qomhz51.jpg?width=2316&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=43a90355cf9d92586324c5c4545364175cb7d87b |
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